ye olde shanty: part 6, aka a super romantic valentine's edition.

just in time for your romantical valentimes, here's that much-anticipated #yeoldeshanty post you've been holding your breaths for! jkjktotallyK, this post is not romantic, but i promise i've written and re-written it like 400 times, so i hope you can appreciate it.

to recap, part 5 of this epic saga detailed the demolition of the front shanty's interior, which occured in fall 2013, and i got around to blogging that shiz in early november. in late december, we took the world's cutest christmas card photos with the world's cutest rescue puppy in the front shanty, and true to my chronic lateness, i got those christmas cards out as early valentine cards in late january 2014.

well this is awkward.

on valentine's day, 2014, sugarbear told me he wanted a divorce. he surprised the shit out me, took the puppy and i am not kidding dot com, left me on valentine's day.

so on this most special, most tumultuous and polarizing of days, i hope you'll forgive my over-sharing, or at the least, forgive my absence in blogging, or if you know me personally, please forgive my absence in life. nothing sends you into a tailspin quite like a surprise divorce, but dammit if it didn't really take the steam out of my kick-ass shanty valentines, and this seemed like an appropriate, albeit painful, time to share. BOOKENDS, people.

i will admit i waffled a bit on whether or not it was the right thing to do, posting the valentine here, so FRIENDS PLEASE TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY IF I HAVE DONE THE WRONG THING because my barometer is less functional these days. however, my thoughts about opening up were that ONE this valentine photo is still awesome and i still think it's hilarious, both for initial hilarity and also for really, really shitty timing - laugh or cry, people. TWO as much as i've tried to wipe it from my mind, there were good parts to that marriage, lots of them, and this picture is a Literal Moment In Time that reminds me of that, especially when i'm down in the dumpster. THREE this image serves as penance and serves me right for splashing my super personal ev.er.eeee.thing all over the internet, which i'm definitely not going to do so casually in the future, so live it up folks, one last time. FOUR let this posted photo be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, as one last reminder so i never forget what happens when you ignore the obvious and-slash-or drop the ball with regard to what is really important in life. FIVE that dog is fucking cute.

as hard as it has been to pick up the pieces, i'm doing much better one almostyear later, everyone! this post isn't a cry for help; rather, a point from which i've been trying to GET for quite some time. that is to say, i was finally able to write this post. i was finally able to POST this post. and if i don't end up deleting it, someday in the future, i hope to feel really, really comfortable about this post.

trust that lots of days, it has been hard to get out of bed, and it still is. while lots of days i didn't win that battle, i am currently getting out of my bed all the days, and that is not just because i signed up for some stupidly expensive pilates classes that i'd be a fool to skip. to be standing on my feet on the other side of this (and doing so happily), i have some super understanding friends and clients and client-friends to thank. to say that everyone has been 'extremely nice' may not cover it - extremely patient? extremely good at times, at making me take a shower? merely thanking everyone seems like not enough words to cover the mountain of appreciation i have for those who were (intentionally and unintentionally) involved, but THANKS PEOPLE. me love you long time; HASHTAG BLESSED, also please give me just a teensy bit more time, because the recovery process has taken every bit of this year and i still have a long way to go.

while i'm being so thankful, i can also say that thankfully, the divorce nightmare finally came to an end last week, freeing me up to return to blogging about my favorite topic, me Steve cool stuff that everyone has probably seen before the shanty. YE OLDE SHANTY, or to be more specific, MY SHANTY, people!! that's right, for the bargain price of SO MUCH MONEY YEARS OF MY LIFE PROBABLY ERASED LAWYER FIGHTS TEARS A FAILED MARRIAGE and ONE ADORABLE DOG, this hovel of trash is now allllllllll miiiiiiiiiine. don't be jealous.

or at least contain your jealousy as i commence with this portion of the Most Difficult Post To Write Ever. also please understand that's it, that's all i have to say and i won't get into more details than those i've just shared, other than to advise you to never, ever ever everrrrrr get divorced. did you think i was going to say married? come on, haters. if i were a bitter old hag, i might say to never get married, but the truth is that i totally loved being married and would totes consider it again at some point, because life is better when you're on a team. TEAM MARRIAGE, but like, let me sit on the sidelines for just a bit longer, because my fucking heart is sprained.

in the end, and/or as i begin again, i wish sugarbear all the best, i really do, and hope he has all the joy that life has to offer. he will always be the sugarbear.

and that is all i am going to say about that.

{LORD BABY JESUS IN YOUR HAY MANGER, SURROUNDED BY DONKEYS AND STRANGERS, this was a tough one to write.}

so as for #yeoldeshanty, it has been a much longer stay than i expected, to say the least. the anticipated four-month back shanty time period has stretched into.... over a year and a half? crap. it will be two full years come july, which is not a nice revelation. and as i reflect upon my decision-making in decorating and furnishing the shanty, i may or may not have made a HUGE, tiny mistake.

meaning in my short-sightedness regarding the duration of my shanty stay, i have crammed way too much stuff into this small space. i mean, i do love it, and the folks who get my particular kind of crazy also love it, but then we always agree that it is Bonkers HQ.

in my dreams, someone politely describes what i've done to this place as iris apfel's extremely swanky college dorm room, but the reality is that i'm sort of at a stopping point with the back shanty decor, and in hindsight, i should probably start over.

(sidenote-if you came for the divorce post and are just joining us for shanty updates, you can catch up here:
part one - wish us luck.
part two - bless this mess.
part three - a circus massacre.
part four - paint it black.
part five  - underneath it all.

at least a back shanty re-evaluation will give me something to do in the interim called Starting Over: My Life But Also A House Plans Story. why's that, you ask?

because after designing (and redesigning, and then redesigning one more time) the front house renovation plan, i've decided to throw those plans away and go back to the drawing board ONE MORE TIME. it seems (is) totally nuts, but as i sit on the precipice of finally, after so many years of guiding clients through the process of building their own dream house. building what may very well be the last home i ever live in, i don't want to fuck it up. and i want what i want, and i am the captain now.

good thing i've got gene, the no-frills architect, on board, because he is fast and i hain't got time for slowpokes at this point. the plan is to break ground next month? HAHAHA fingers crossed, but so far it is going SWELL:

DESIGNERS SHOULD NEVER DESIGN THEIR OWN HOUSE.

as for the shanty, fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. here's a photo recap of what is happening, paired with a general update even though i JUST GOT DONE telling you i hate what i've done, because i am a giver and i give the people what they want. which is mainly photos.

you may recall from part one that the back shanty is on stilts, amongst the trees. I LIVE LIKE TREE PEOPLE DOT COM.

the former owner's set-up, including the unpainted floors, RAW DOG floors, which you may recall from shanty post one.

more former owner-she was a crystal collector, skull-hoarder and cloud painter, but is now my spirit animal.

did i ever post the former kitchen? check out my 1982 sub-zero fridge, homies. I'M SO FANCY YOU ALREADY KNOW.

painting the floors (shanty part 4) because you can kind of tell where former rugs and/or spills may or may not have happened.

 former bedroom + current KWD office, which i hope to post about soon. hours after i took this, this guy wanted to murder-suicide me.

more action shots from my post about painting, brought to you by decorator's white, the paint version of oxygen, available through my bf benjamin moore.

moving in reality check-all of the furniture is wayyyyy toooooo big. also, a photo of the world's LEAST HELPFUL moving crew so you can see what i've been up against. 

these guys hate me and totally rubbed their sweaty faces all over my sofa's fancy new custom sunbrella slipcover. good thing i can clean it with bleach? #nailedit

some stuff!! all of which is mostly way too big and way too crazy. also that badA cat sculpture got super humpty dumptied and there was no saving her.

this left-behind cactus looks like a dong and that means we are keeping it. #dongcactus #classy #iamagrownup

three guard dogs at the world's fanciest temporary construction fence.

MAKE THAT FOUR GUARD DOGS. #photosofsteve

outdoor lounge sitch on fleek, aka steve takes a break, aka the opposite of #nevernotworking.

super sexy foundation leveling and post-termite tent repairs to the front house, which is at present much the same state as this 1.5 year old photo. also, YES, that IS the latin gene simmons of supergroup BESO on your left.

barf, or as the termites keep saying, NOMS.

SURPRISSSEESSS! here's the new old kitchen, where i hoard wilton armetale like it is my job. more deets in a future shanty post.

more of the updated kitchen. adding open shelving was one of the better ideas.

STUFF STUFF STUFF.

fine shanty dining, present day. so much stuff. also the light fixture is too low but it took like 100 years to install, and i can't be bothered to deal with it right now. 

i can't even, with the stuff and the rug OH THE RUG, but the floors look amazing.

living room, complete with crooked lampshade, crooked art, stuff on stuff on stuff and the rug that is currently killing me smalls. raina, bring your leafblower.

I DID IT! how mortifying. regardless, next up in the shanty series will be either the front shanty house plans or a closer look at present-day back shanty and YOU WILL LIKE IT.

ye olde shanty: home sweet home part 4: paint it black.

daaaaang y'all. i wish i had a time machine where i could travel back to the point where i thought i'd be doing a weekly shanty update, or at the very least, a bi-monthly post, and be like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. the truth is that i started writing this post in september and have guilted myself into finishing it prior to the turn of the year... this year has been unbelievably nuts. mostly in a good way?

if you've since forgotten what is going on here, i have somehow convinced my sweet hubster to purchase two dilapidated eyesore money pit "homes", affectionately dubbed ye olde shanty, aka #yeoldeshanty, and have made a weak effort to chronicle this project here-1, here-2 and here-3. my last shanty post was at the end of july, about a week before we moved into the back shanty, and the shit which was already bonkers got super cray rill fast. like put me in a white jacket and then a rubber room, just make it stop before i hurt myself and others CRAY.ZAY.

i started to unleash this long rant of WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER negativity, since approximately two seasons have passed since i updated you on tales from the shanty, but i've decided to spare you and instead save those stories for posts entitled Is There A Hotter Or Worse Time To Move Than August In Houston and I've Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew: A Small Business Story or possibly my favorite, I Give None Fucks About Some Treehouse You're Building For My Two Year Old Nephew Instead Of Helping Me Move, Mom And Dad.

all murderous rage aside, shanty post four covers a dark period we'll just chalk up to a learning curve. it was highly unpleasant at times (aka most of the times) but also i turned my back on my former bestie, COLOR, for a minute and painted some shit THE BLACKNESS. i'm talkin floors y'all: black like my heart and soul (and probably like the mold in the shanty walls just waiting for us to discover).

oddly enough, black floors were a tough call on my end, and I don't recall a time when i've been so design-nervous as when i told my painter to go black or go home on the back shanty floors, final answer. in contrast, the walls were painted benjamin moore's super white in flat, which is not only great but even better given the massive amounts of natural light in the back shanty. 

shantstagram? instashanty? hashtag: holy shit.

i'd read somewhere that latex exterior porch paint was the way to go on floors, so that's what happened, even when the painter showed up with some high gloss finish. 

given that we'd sold our house to some buyers who wanted to move in RIGHT NOW and thus taken up temporary lodging in a small garage apartment, we were thisclose to killing one another. so being picky about finishes wasn't an option, but also, none of us had properly calculated the amount of time necessary for the floors to dry. 

let me clarify: we hadn't properly calculated the dry time on two coats of exterior porch enamel applied in a Houston interior, late July, when daily temps equate those of the fiery furnaces of hell. so drytime given those conditions = approximately six years.

with delayed dry times, our paint phase was so far behind schedule that we went ahead and moved in before the walls were finished, before the doors were painted or sealed and while the floors were still pretty tacky, because I couldn't bear the thought of rescheduling the movers a third time. 

personally, i think the footprints in the floor paint are kind of like a time capsule or fossils, or like when there were only that one set of footprints on the beach and jesus carried us. plus those footprints add a ton of character. just kidding. massive amount of flaws and imperfections aside, these black floors are B.O.M.B. and a major improvement. they are also super durable - porch paint inside for the win, folks! i can't believe i hesitated and am totes trying to talk b-radical into black floors in the front shanty.

GOOD NEWS: we saved the original vent covers.

more good news: we saved that tile too!

this is when our painter was like get me a sprayer, paintbrushes are for homeless people.

boom shaka laka. moving in, on the other hand, was a beating (as per usual).

microwave or ottoman: you decide.

sweet new bungalow 5 chairs bought for a song!! and bring my total dining chair incarnations up to... six sets? normal.

there have been lots of upsides, though, such as we found out we live just down the street from a baller wine + beer store, stocked by sommelier to the stars justin vann, so that has kept us in steady supply: 

also bonus: this man had a smile most of the time and did not kill me. #ashantymiracle

other benefits? uh, all the crystal rock formations, skulls and spare terra cotta pots a gal could want, yo.

plus don't forget the doll collection:

see you in your nightmares!

next up: getting settled, front shanty shenanigans, more skulls and the highly anticipated OTHER THINGS THAT WERE IN THE CHEST WITH THE POLIO NIGHTMARE DOLL. #yeoldeshanty #polio

ye olde shanty: home sweet home part 1, aka wish us luck.

as i've mentioned and am real thrilled to repeat, we bought a house, y'all! i'm so excited i can almost not stand it, DOT COM, and since this is about to consume my life and instagram feed, i thought it would be fun-slash-necessary to share on this online diary of mine. and by fun, i mean that i'm terrified to share it, as are all designers when it comes to their own house, and it's taken a summoning of all my courage to post this.

for starters, by 'a house', what i mean is, we bought two houses? aka two crackety crack shacks. they are in may-jah, may-jah disrepair, but the spaces are interesting, the lot is not small and i really love the new neighborhood. didimentiontheyaredumps? due to some serious curb unappeal and the amount of repair obviously needed, plus the super confusion of two biggish houses, situated separately on one single property, we actually got ye olde shanty for a pretty good bargain. also, in this totes bonkers seller's market, we sold our townhouse for the asking price, which was calculated by figuring out what it was worth, what the market might bear, multiplying by two and then adding $5K just because we are GAMBLERS. four offers in nine days, and we closed friday, which i still don't think is real? but it is real, and we'd closed previously in the week on ye olde shanters, so PHEW.

ye olde shanty has thus far been drawing a lot of comparisons to that movie the money pit, which i haven't seen, but i presume is about a handsome young couple who are so smart in buying a fixer upper that they have to dig a huge hole to put all the profits in, after they're done? just kidding. we are getting nothing but looks of pity, raised eyebrows, voices of concern, and someone asked me yesterday how i'd talked sugarbear into it. the truth is, I DON'T KNOW, but i do know that brad is the brains of this operation, so if he believes it can be done realistically, it really can. he is mensasmart and NOT a risktaker, where as if i believe it can be done, it is because i am very much GLASS HALF FULL, we will find a way, money is no object, reality is for everyone else, nobody tells me no. but brad tells me no all the time, so if he's on board, ALL ABOARD. please feel free to give me/us a pep talk, because we are rill excited, and also a bit skeered.

so anyway, ye olde shanty part one - the front house, was built in the 30's, ALLEGEDLY, has three bedrooms and faces the street. it is fug as all get out, but not to fear, that front shit, all siding and winders, porch, et all, is going away asap (SPOILER ALERT: most of it got ripped off on saturday).

ye olde shanty part two - the back house, was built in the 80's, is nestled between two enormous trees and kind of hard to see from anywhere other than inside the compound. SUPES SNEAKY. also, like half of that NO RAILINGS NO PROBLEM deck sitch is coming down monday.

PHOTOS BELOW.

although we are on the fringes of very amazing historic districts of montrose, there are no historical aspects of the front house for us to try and preserve, which is why we went into this with the plan to completely gut and renovate the front house. that sucker has been a rental since maybe the 80's and needs new EVERYTHING. did i mention it has two types of termites? it does. so does le back house, so the termite tents go up on monday. good news: termite tents are cheap. if your jealousy is still consuming you, i encourage you to please keep reading.

we need to get our shiz in order with the structural people and our architect, because there are foundation issues (natch) to fix first, and then some general concern that ye olde shanty: front house may just need to RIP forever, if the rot situation is too great. however, if it is deemed salvagable, the loose plan is to open up and enlarge the stair, wrap the stair into the entry a bit (because the step-to-riser ratio is beyond wrong and scary), create a new route into the kitchen, open up the dining room, add a butler's pantry and clearer access to the powder bath, enlarge the kitchen, enclose the laundry room (currently accessible by exiting to the out of doors through the dining room and walking down the deck) and add a second bathroom upstairs, plus put some killer porch situations and garage back where everything got ripped off. plus all new everything else.

obvs, the front house is inhabitable. like for awhile? so the back house, slightly smaller and in considerably better shape (IN COMPARISON, NOT IN GENERAL GOOD SHAPE), will house the wilson-luebe's plus my office in the meantime. the back house was built by the current homeowner in the 80's, after she'd lived in the front house since the 60's. she'd "always wanted to live in a treehouse," so she (SHE = MERCER) and her partner built a giant treehouse, where mercer could focus on her crystal collection, butterfly sanctuary and gardening.*  first level of the treehouse is a workshop and greenhouse/potting station, and the second and third floors include two bedrooms, two baths and a study. don't kid yourself-it is like, 900 square feet back there, but mercer sprang for the 1980's sub-zero and it stays, so i'm looking forward to that. it's going to be cramped when the wilson-luebe menagerie move in, especially since i work out of the house and have been adding employees left and right, but the current plan is to convert the ENTIRE back house into my office after we move to the front house, making this whole situation one big reverse mullet: party in the front, business in the back. and as my pal carolyn pointed out, deliveries in the rear? we are very mature.


here are some BEFORE pictures, which are entirely confusing, but i've broken them down as best as possible for your viewing pleasure.

view from the sky, with sophisticated macpaint scribbles for you: 

front house:

road that goes through (which is the drive to the back house, carport for front house, and super redonk enclosed porch area with plexiglass ceiling.

kind of the best view of the front? SO MUCH POTENTIAL, is what i say. also all this shit be gone. stay tuned for the demo post.

from inside the compound. the fence separated the front rental from the back house, and that is a kind of garage thing? that little room sticking out on the left is the laundry area, accessed from the dining room on the right. weird convenient!

better view of weirdness from the deck of back house. the fence is already gone, the deck of the back house goes monday, and the magnolia is perf for a swing. PRIORITIES. please also note how that garage door structure will keep the middle of your car dry/safe! but not the sides. makes sense.

front door on the left, and this huge space is entry and living room. or entry, sitting room and living room? the opening on the right is into the dining room.

from the fireplace wall. creepers enclosed stair, double door to side deck (which might pop out to be a direct route the kitchen. wood floors under this carpet are totes not salvageable - EMOTICON SAD FACE. also worth mentioning that at the top of that stair landing, there are four identical steps down into the kitchen.

dining room. opening leads to powder bath and kitchen. or you know, go out the doors, outside, for laundry time!

kitchen. ZZZZZZZZZZ.

back house:

back house tree house. under the deck, there are three carports. road that goes through the property is on the left. entrance to potting area is on the left, and the woodshop is under the portion on the right.

entrance to potting area. rickety stairs.

more of the same. this is approximately 1% of the terra cotta plant and pots situation.

up the stairs, entrance to living room. please note giant crystal rock formations and cacti, which were left behind and are MINE now.

living room, currently getting a heavy dose of benjamin moore's decorator's white on all walls and ceilings, plus those 45-degree pine floors and open stairs are all getting painted. PAINTED, y'all. and i went with black because i couldn't talk myself out of it. the tree is like, 35 years old and they left it, but we are not sure it will live through the termite gassing, or live outside in houston's hot as balls summer while we gas, but we will try to save it. there's a door behind the tree that goes to the downstairs bedroom. PLEASE NOTE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CRYSTALS.

living into dining. fireplace. hats. skulls and crystals ERRYWHURRR. louvered doors go to downstairs bath (and are now a solid door, privacy, WTF), opening on the left is to the kitchen, doors on right are out to the deck.

mas living room hats skulls crystals.

kitchen. cabinets getting some white paint and we are adding open shelves and cabinet hardware. in a dream world, i swap out the counters and fixtures, but for now, we are focusing on the front house.

downstairs bedroom. no me gusta beds on angles.

upstairs bedroom, larger than it looks, but becomes office. bathroom to the left.

study upstairs, which is open to the bedroom. those ghetto shelves are gone and that creepy closet is where you go when you are very, very naughty.

upstairs bath, with the cutest tiniest clawfoot tub ever. that mirror thing on the wall is gone, that sconce's days are numbered.

*TOTALLY NORMAL, right? we never did meet her partner, who had already moved, but during the purchasing process, we did get to know mercer and her man lover/brother/man friend/on-site helper/part three of a love triangle/WE HAVE NO IDEA, but he lived there too, henry. mercer is one of the most bizarre and delightful people i've EVER met - she has thus far told me stories about the frequent alien visitations that occurred during the 60's and 70's, her previous career as a muralist painting cloudscapes in NYC penthouse rotundas, the massive healing crystals collection she has compiled over the years, and the biggest weiner she has ever seen, plus also a litany of LSD trips she enjoyed over the years. mercer smokes virginia slims, is always wearing sunglasses and UGGGGGGs, and wrote LOVE GRATITUDE on EVERYTHING, even inside the refrigerator. mercer also tucked bird feathers into just about every doorway; does anyone know what this means?