ye olde shanty: part 7, aka time flies when you are standing still.

this morning, the construction crew rolled up at seven in the AM to begin what looks like more demolition of the front shanty, but is actually the first part of what is really and truly construction. after such a long time of what seems like nothing happening, we are actually maybe possibly getting started on building a new shanty, and it's super exciting!

around 800 hours, i realized that today is actually the two-year anniversary of my move to this house, which is weird, and a coincidence, but i really don't believe in coincidences. could we call it synchronistic? let's do!

since my post in february, it seems like nothing has happened, but the reality is IT'S ALL HAPPENING, i think for real this time? hopefully, the universe is done playing tricks on me, because imma bout to hit you with some shanty plannin'.

to recap, this is the front shanty from the street, from the real estate listing:

that photo is from an angle and pretty misleading - i think this was taken in the 80's, because this is not what i bought. you can catch up on past shanty posts here, but this is a photo showing what the shanty has looked like for most of these TWO LONGEST YEARS EVER:

and just for fun, here is present-day shanty, featuring the original 1930's wooden siding, unearthed beneath two layers of vinyl and asbestos nastiness:

I KNOW, I KNOW.... it is getting worse. i shall treat you with siding (aka termite rot) post, as well as introduce you to that beast puppy in my arms, RILL SOON.

here are the final runners-up in my house inspiration file, affectionately called "KEEP DREAMING". this is four photos out of probably... thousands? if this compilation seems all over the place, you just don't even KNOW, but the reality is i just haven't stumbled upon a photo of what i'm trying to achieve.

do i even know what i'm trying to achieve? probably not.

i kid, i kid!!

they say designers should not design their own home, and i think they are right. fellow designers - thoughts? or am i the only one who has struggled on a very real level? the two-year wait has been horrendous to my concise and definitive decision-making.

in an effort to define just what it is i'm after, this is an über-ghetto rendering of MAH FUTURE SHANTY, which i slapped together made just this weekend in an effort to convince myself that i am not making mistakes. also, i realllllllyyy want to install some baller exterior light fixtures and this is the best way to convince myself that they're worth it. please note that my lush wisteria will likely be the envy of the neighborhood:

after being told by the first architect duo that the full set of drawings they'd generated could be modified if i was willing to wait one million years to get on their calendar (after i'd already waited three months for them to return my phone call), i have a new architect, who completely scrapped the original house plans and started over, and had my new plans ready in ONE WEEK. he's been an architect forever and is super salty. i like to call him Gene The No-Frills Architect, because aside from being all business, he is the fastest draw (CAD jokes!) in the west and has a rolodex of houston building codes tucked neatly between his ears. also, he has zero tolerance for bullshit, which includes my ideas for a hot tub, as well as any coffee drinks that are not FOLGERS. gene probably regrets signing on for this project and is very quick to remind me that he is currently on owner-dictated revision numero seventeen, and counting, but he sure did like my rendering.

also i somehow finally found a builder??? three rounds of interviews and bid submittals later, that is.

a word to you builders out there: you are the worst!! the stringing along, the ambiguous contracts, the hidden fees and flat-out lying about what was and was not possible, the corner cutting, the empty promises... and these were mostly builders i had worked with previously or were by referral.

my new word for builders is EX-BOYFRIEND, and spoiler alert: i hate all of you. i stupidly thought, given my line of work and years of experience, that i might have an easy go of finding a builder, but consider this one of the times that i was colossally mistaken. it's largely due to the level of complications in ye olde shanty, but were i a real person, and not the formidable designer you've come to know and love, i'd-a quit it hardcore awhile back and just lived in my van down by the river.

i did eventually find a building group that came highly referred and who (fingers crossed) seem to be a great fit. they focus a lot on renovation and design, and it seems we are finally making some headway. in the words of her royal highness rupaul, DON'T FUCK IT UP, y'all, because i believe in you and i really think i can be in that stupid house by christmas.

ye olde shanty: part 6, aka a super romantic valentine's edition.

just in time for your romantical valentimes, here's that much-anticipated #yeoldeshanty post you've been holding your breaths for! jkjktotallyK, this post is not romantic, but i promise i've written and re-written it like 400 times, so i hope you can appreciate it.

to recap, part 5 of this epic saga detailed the demolition of the front shanty's interior, which occured in fall 2013, and i got around to blogging that shiz in early november. in late december, we took the world's cutest christmas card photos with the world's cutest rescue puppy in the front shanty, and true to my chronic lateness, i got those christmas cards out as early valentine cards in late january 2014.

well this is awkward.

on valentine's day, 2014, sugarbear told me he wanted a divorce. he surprised the shit out me, took the puppy and i am not kidding dot com, left me on valentine's day.

so on this most special, most tumultuous and polarizing of days, i hope you'll forgive my over-sharing, or at the least, forgive my absence in blogging, or if you know me personally, please forgive my absence in life. nothing sends you into a tailspin quite like a surprise divorce, but dammit if it didn't really take the steam out of my kick-ass shanty valentines, and this seemed like an appropriate, albeit painful, time to share. BOOKENDS, people.

i will admit i waffled a bit on whether or not it was the right thing to do, posting the valentine here, so FRIENDS PLEASE TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY IF I HAVE DONE THE WRONG THING because my barometer is less functional these days. however, my thoughts about opening up were that ONE this valentine photo is still awesome and i still think it's hilarious, both for initial hilarity and also for really, really shitty timing - laugh or cry, people. TWO as much as i've tried to wipe it from my mind, there were good parts to that marriage, lots of them, and this picture is a Literal Moment In Time that reminds me of that, especially when i'm down in the dumpster. THREE this image serves as penance and serves me right for splashing my super personal ev.er.eeee.thing all over the internet, which i'm definitely not going to do so casually in the future, so live it up folks, one last time. FOUR let this posted photo be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, as one last reminder so i never forget what happens when you ignore the obvious and-slash-or drop the ball with regard to what is really important in life. FIVE that dog is fucking cute.

as hard as it has been to pick up the pieces, i'm doing much better one almostyear later, everyone! this post isn't a cry for help; rather, a point from which i've been trying to GET for quite some time. that is to say, i was finally able to write this post. i was finally able to POST this post. and if i don't end up deleting it, someday in the future, i hope to feel really, really comfortable about this post.

trust that lots of days, it has been hard to get out of bed, and it still is. while lots of days i didn't win that battle, i am currently getting out of my bed all the days, and that is not just because i signed up for some stupidly expensive pilates classes that i'd be a fool to skip. to be standing on my feet on the other side of this (and doing so happily), i have some super understanding friends and clients and client-friends to thank. to say that everyone has been 'extremely nice' may not cover it - extremely patient? extremely good at times, at making me take a shower? merely thanking everyone seems like not enough words to cover the mountain of appreciation i have for those who were (intentionally and unintentionally) involved, but THANKS PEOPLE. me love you long time; HASHTAG BLESSED, also please give me just a teensy bit more time, because the recovery process has taken every bit of this year and i still have a long way to go.

while i'm being so thankful, i can also say that thankfully, the divorce nightmare finally came to an end last week, freeing me up to return to blogging about my favorite topic, me Steve cool stuff that everyone has probably seen before the shanty. YE OLDE SHANTY, or to be more specific, MY SHANTY, people!! that's right, for the bargain price of SO MUCH MONEY YEARS OF MY LIFE PROBABLY ERASED LAWYER FIGHTS TEARS A FAILED MARRIAGE and ONE ADORABLE DOG, this hovel of trash is now allllllllll miiiiiiiiiine. don't be jealous.

or at least contain your jealousy as i commence with this portion of the Most Difficult Post To Write Ever. also please understand that's it, that's all i have to say and i won't get into more details than those i've just shared, other than to advise you to never, ever ever everrrrrr get divorced. did you think i was going to say married? come on, haters. if i were a bitter old hag, i might say to never get married, but the truth is that i totally loved being married and would totes consider it again at some point, because life is better when you're on a team. TEAM MARRIAGE, but like, let me sit on the sidelines for just a bit longer, because my fucking heart is sprained.

in the end, and/or as i begin again, i wish sugarbear all the best, i really do, and hope he has all the joy that life has to offer. he will always be the sugarbear.

and that is all i am going to say about that.

{LORD BABY JESUS IN YOUR HAY MANGER, SURROUNDED BY DONKEYS AND STRANGERS, this was a tough one to write.}

so as for #yeoldeshanty, it has been a much longer stay than i expected, to say the least. the anticipated four-month back shanty time period has stretched into.... over a year and a half? crap. it will be two full years come july, which is not a nice revelation. and as i reflect upon my decision-making in decorating and furnishing the shanty, i may or may not have made a HUGE, tiny mistake.

meaning in my short-sightedness regarding the duration of my shanty stay, i have crammed way too much stuff into this small space. i mean, i do love it, and the folks who get my particular kind of crazy also love it, but then we always agree that it is Bonkers HQ.

in my dreams, someone politely describes what i've done to this place as iris apfel's extremely swanky college dorm room, but the reality is that i'm sort of at a stopping point with the back shanty decor, and in hindsight, i should probably start over.

(sidenote-if you came for the divorce post and are just joining us for shanty updates, you can catch up here:
part one - wish us luck.
part two - bless this mess.
part three - a circus massacre.
part four - paint it black.
part five  - underneath it all.

at least a back shanty re-evaluation will give me something to do in the interim called Starting Over: My Life But Also A House Plans Story. why's that, you ask?

because after designing (and redesigning, and then redesigning one more time) the front house renovation plan, i've decided to throw those plans away and go back to the drawing board ONE MORE TIME. it seems (is) totally nuts, but as i sit on the precipice of finally, after so many years of guiding clients through the process of building their own dream house. building what may very well be the last home i ever live in, i don't want to fuck it up. and i want what i want, and i am the captain now.

good thing i've got gene, the no-frills architect, on board, because he is fast and i hain't got time for slowpokes at this point. the plan is to break ground next month? HAHAHA fingers crossed, but so far it is going SWELL:

DESIGNERS SHOULD NEVER DESIGN THEIR OWN HOUSE.

as for the shanty, fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. here's a photo recap of what is happening, paired with a general update even though i JUST GOT DONE telling you i hate what i've done, because i am a giver and i give the people what they want. which is mainly photos.

you may recall from part one that the back shanty is on stilts, amongst the trees. I LIVE LIKE TREE PEOPLE DOT COM.

the former owner's set-up, including the unpainted floors, RAW DOG floors, which you may recall from shanty post one.

more former owner-she was a crystal collector, skull-hoarder and cloud painter, but is now my spirit animal.

did i ever post the former kitchen? check out my 1982 sub-zero fridge, homies. I'M SO FANCY YOU ALREADY KNOW.

painting the floors (shanty part 4) because you can kind of tell where former rugs and/or spills may or may not have happened.

 former bedroom + current KWD office, which i hope to post about soon. hours after i took this, this guy wanted to murder-suicide me.

more action shots from my post about painting, brought to you by decorator's white, the paint version of oxygen, available through my bf benjamin moore.

moving in reality check-all of the furniture is wayyyyy toooooo big. also, a photo of the world's LEAST HELPFUL moving crew so you can see what i've been up against. 

these guys hate me and totally rubbed their sweaty faces all over my sofa's fancy new custom sunbrella slipcover. good thing i can clean it with bleach? #nailedit

some stuff!! all of which is mostly way too big and way too crazy. also that badA cat sculpture got super humpty dumptied and there was no saving her.

this left-behind cactus looks like a dong and that means we are keeping it. #dongcactus #classy #iamagrownup

three guard dogs at the world's fanciest temporary construction fence.

MAKE THAT FOUR GUARD DOGS. #photosofsteve

outdoor lounge sitch on fleek, aka steve takes a break, aka the opposite of #nevernotworking.

super sexy foundation leveling and post-termite tent repairs to the front house, which is at present much the same state as this 1.5 year old photo. also, YES, that IS the latin gene simmons of supergroup BESO on your left.

barf, or as the termites keep saying, NOMS.

SURPRISSSEESSS! here's the new old kitchen, where i hoard wilton armetale like it is my job. more deets in a future shanty post.

more of the updated kitchen. adding open shelving was one of the better ideas.

STUFF STUFF STUFF.

fine shanty dining, present day. so much stuff. also the light fixture is too low but it took like 100 years to install, and i can't be bothered to deal with it right now. 

i can't even, with the stuff and the rug OH THE RUG, but the floors look amazing.

living room, complete with crooked lampshade, crooked art, stuff on stuff on stuff and the rug that is currently killing me smalls. raina, bring your leafblower.

I DID IT! how mortifying. regardless, next up in the shanty series will be either the front shanty house plans or a closer look at present-day back shanty and YOU WILL LIKE IT.

ye olde shanty: home sweet home part 5: underneath it all.

so i don't know that we will ever be fully moved into the back shanty. i mean, for the first couple of weeks, our underpants and socks were LIT-ER-ALLY being stored in the driveway, because it was yet to rain. every morning, UNTIL IT RAINED AND WE WERE FORCED TO MAKE DECISIONS, i would get up, put on my robe, and go down to the driveway to grab sugarbear a fresh pair of draws and socks. hashtag martha fucking stewart, y'all!! so after getting moderately situated in the back shanty, we received a lot of pressure to pull back the curtain thought it would be fun to have some friends over! YOU KNOW. so they could to see what we were steppin in, as well as get their heads around what will be hereforto referred to as SHANTY PROGRESS. because we like to think we are really doing something!

the reality is, there is only room for improvement, aka absolutely nowhere to go but up.

so as all yard/beer parties tend to go, we ended up doing some sledgehammering in ye front shanty.  this was more a ceremonial demo, as the real demo crew would arrive the following morning, but we wanted to give our pals a chance to kick in a wall or two.

that is a hole in the floor girl.

oh HAAYYYY, floor outlet that was just carpeted over.

it was pretty fun, and no one got hurt, so also a screaming success? shit got RILL real when the pros arrived (no offense, friends).

all this time, our plan has been to gut the front shanty to down to the studs and re-work the existing structure. we've got a decent roof and slat-wall construction in the money pit - the house is built like a TANK. a termite-infested, rotting tank. just jokes! we totes killed those termites and there is not that much rot.

as it turns out, we have zero architectural elements to try and preserve. not a surprise. we'd suspected there was not much to be had underneath the 80's remodel, but other than some sweeeeeet vintage wallpaper (so old it pretty much crumbles in your hands), there be nada. i did salvage some super old leaded glass windows that had been walled over, and will be saving those in my hoarder pile.

hey bitches.

this place reeks of elegance.

 here be my windows. there are four - what do i do with these things?

in the next photo, you can check out dumpster load numero uno, which is visible since the 'garage' that separated the front and back properties had to be taken out. see those four post areas? that used to hold a roof and a garage door, which kept the back shanty area private, but about five days after we moved in, the garage door broke and were it not a total POS, we might have tried to fix it. it had these little ghetto clickers and you could drive through the 'garage' all the way to the garage door at the back of the property, as well as park under the back shanty. so convenient, y'all - especially with groceries or other interior design-related loads of shit, but the temp fence does give us a lot of privacy from the construction and also exercise.

so many long walks to and from the car through that gate = so much exercise.

hashtag winning aka losing.

on the upside, that's the fanciest temp fence i ever did see.

temporary holding spot for my windows, while i worked out the location of the new hoard pile.

dining room walls, aka world's largest ant farm.

ships, carriages, gents and ladies on the stroll - HOW IS THIS WALLPAPER OUT OF STYLE?

please note the roller shades on these windows, left in place when the windows and fireplace were just sheetrocked over.

hey! another secret window!

after one of the demo guys fell in this hole and spilled his horchata ERRYWHERE, we came up with this fancy cabinet door hole covering solution.

pink slats from somewhere, used in the dining room.

you shall not pass.