saying goodbye to goldie.

next week i will start driving a fancy grown-up car, the kind that a responsible, respectable lady would drive; the kind that your sweet husband gives to you when he's starting to think about car seat safety; the kind of car that you chauffeur your clients around in when you take them shopping for $32,000 sofas. in short, i am getting a car that is more ladylike than me, and it really freaks me out.

naturally, this means that next week, i will also say goodbye to my dear old friend, goldie the 4runner, aka the gold digger, aka goldschläger, aka goldie the magic dildo (don't think about that last one too much), who has outlasted everything as the final stronghold on my extremely fast and furious youth. the other day we decided that if goldie's walls could talk, they would probably scream, but the truth is, i've had that car since i was 23, and i am about to be 33 (fuckfuckfuck), so goldie has been around to witness all the stumbling i did when i was not a girl, not yet a woman. i prefer to think of these as my adult formulative years, and some of those stumbles are AWESOME.

since i bought her (all on my own in 2003), goldie's been my bottom bitch while i traversed the countryside, living in arkansas; the woodlands, texas (aka communist china); chicago; and finally, dear old space city, houston. in 10 years, i've put just 120,000 miles on goldie while simultaneously accumulating the following statistics.

goldie has transported me to a staggering ELEVEN places of employment, the highlight of which has to be my sports bar waitressing stint at a joint called fox & hound, where i slung beer buckets to finance my day job as a non-paid interior design intern. it's fairly bittersweet to think that the car i was driving when i didn't know what i was doing with my life is the car i'm driving now, when it seems everything has been figured out.

speaking of not having had it figured out, goldie's been chaperone to vehicular interludes with a disconcerting amount of mr. wrongs: 1 fiance (slash ex-fiance), 4 serious boyfriends (aka ex-boyfriends, aka assholes) and 11 quasi-boyfriends (goldie and i both knew they weren't ex-boyfriend material) all rode shotgun at some point before i found sugar bears. what a whore bag.

although i've only ever gotten one traffic ticket during the goldie years (failure to wear a seat belt), goldie and i have been involved in multiple accidents, one of which was car wreck with mario lopez, who did not have car insurance. also, he rear ended me, but i've never been able to say that i was rear-ended by mario lopez with a straight face. goldie has had her airbags replaced, a new front end at least three times that i can remember, a new back end (twice, i think), two entirely new sides and also two major window replacements, so i challenge you to find an original component of her that isn't the roof. one accident, unfortunately, caused permanent damage to her cassette player, which means we've been listening to tape 5 of lalita tademy's cane river for over six years. goldie and i had some pretty killer road trips listening to books on tape.

so farewell to goldie. you were the hi ho silver (emphasis on the hoe part) to my lone ranger, and i never had to worry about spilling an entire cup of coffee in your passenger seat, BECAUSE YOUR UPHOLSTERY IS THE PERFECT SHADE OF SPILLED COFFEE STAINS.

and you don't find a car like that every day.

chicago circa 2005. this is really the best i can do as far as photos of myself and the golddigger. goldie has also seen me through HUNDREDS of hair color choices.

i can't find any other photos that contain both me + goldie, so i submit this one as evidence that i bought her in arkansas, had illinois plates, am a licensed scuba diver and a proud member of delta theta. also, the man with the key map admiring his rear-end job is mario lopez.

this is a totally different accident.

rest in peace, MCA.

damn. visionary musician adam yauch has passed away at 47 after battling cancer. it's incredibly sad and for whatever reason, hits a little too close to home. the beastie boys were a tremendous part of my adolescence and i will never forget the day my dad ripped Paul's Boutique out of my tape deck and threw it out the window. rest in peace, MCA.

the (early) rolling stones.

alternative titles: we heart cigarettes. and bowl haircuts.
{Rolling Stones in London 2, 1963 by phillip townsend, via photographers gallery}

blast from the past: the treehouse.

this is kind of a hybrid blast from the past, and it isn't friday, but before i launch into bruce weber's new ad campaign, you should see where he got the idea:this is the only photo i have of our treehouse, which must have been taken mid-construction, as there are three hammers in this photo (yours truly on the left). you can also see brandie's underpants, a common occurrence in early wilson photos. anyway, if we had any 'after' photos, they would look a whole lot like bruce weber's TREEHOUSE ad campaign for janus et cie's dedon, aptly named 'coming home'. i've been seeing the ads everywhere, and they never fail to remind me of being behind the barn in our treehouse on a warm summer day, reading a book and hiding from my mom. i don't recall any ballerinas being in attendance, but there were mulberries to pick from nearby trees, and the occasional sheep (in lieu of donkeys-a shame, seeing how donkeys make everything more hilarious). other than that (and the fact that there were no sexy, half-naked grown-ups running around), bruce weber is pretty much ripping off my childhood, in a fantastic, magical way. i have not shown the picture that has the two grandparents making out on the sofa, but you can look into that for yourself here. if you have time, watch the video. that treehouse that bruce built is dreamy.

friday's blast from the past: the jug and bottle band.

those of you not familiar with jug and bottle bands might also not be familiar with the hit television program HEE-HAW, so i will start there and back into it. hee-haw was a variety show that focused on aspects of country (kountry) life. a celebrity guest host joined the cast every week to perform funny songs and skits in fictional Kornfield Kounty, where there was no shortage of cleavage, calico, overalls, banjos or missing teeth. in a nutshell, hee-haw was like a hillbilly saturday night live. as a child, we weren't allowed to watch a lot of tv, but we NEVER missed an episode of hee-haw.

one of our favorite recurring skits was called Hee-Haw's All Jug Band, which featured large-breasted women (get it? hee-haw!), singing a funny song while alternately blowing on moonshine jugs. somehow, my mother got the idea that this (considerably inappropriate) skit would be even more amazing if performed by her six children. (and i say SOMEHOW sarcastically, because my mother enjoyed nothing more than to have us kids dress up and entertain her.) {the culhanes, a hee-haw family}

fortunately, we were already members of an agricultural youth program called 4-H. each year, all 4-H clubs in the county were able to participate in something called CLUB DAYS, which is equivalent to a highly-competitive talent show for huge nerds. demonstrations, speeches, skits, music and dance were judged by a local panel and awarded ribbons based on skill level. yes, you read that correctly-the prize for participating was a piece of RIBBON. for the record, if the prize had been a sack of chicken bones, my mother would have STILL entered our jug and bottle band in the competition. now, my parents have always kept a dry house, but magically, my mom came up with an assortment of empty liquor bottles. LARGE ONES. she then coaxed the school music teacher over to our house to tune the bottles (done by adding various levels of water, fyi). this way, we could all play a certain note during our musical masterpiece. so what, pray tell, was the song these two settled on? POLLY WOLLY DOODLE. ever heard this tune? i'll break it down for you: it has a very fast pace. there are also some questionable southern undertones, but i just want to concentrate on the speed of the song. which is FAST. we each had a different note-bottle, mind you, so as the song got going, you really had to huff and puff to make it happen. although we managed to learn the song, we really, really didn't want to perform it for anyone, especially for the general populous of douglas county. my mother assured us that everyone was going to think it was spectacular and that we would probably be invited to be on star search, and ps-we didn't have a choice. we got a blue ribbon. technically, it is what i like to call a PITY RIBBON, because NOBODY in the audience (including the judges) thought it was entertaining, or funny, except for my mom, who laughed so hard she cried AND peed in her pants a little. the good news is that due to my mother's meticulous record-keeping skills, i've got proof. here's a close-up of the back of the ribbon. so this one goes out to cheryl. thanks for retaining your sanity by making us do the craziest things anyone has ever heard of, because i'd be lying if i said those experiences didn't help shape me into the glamorous lady that i am today.

click here to subscribe to wonders will never cease by email.

friday's blast from the past: age order.

i grew up on a farm in kansas, the second of six children. as if that wasn't novelty enough, we were all born in approximately two-year increments, so the span of our ages was only eleven years. my mother loved nothing more than to dress us alike and make us stand in something she called AGE ORDER (mainly for the purpose of photos) where the eldest stood on the photographer's left and everyone lined up to the right in accordance to their age. while we were growing children, this resulted in another phenomenon that my mother called STAIR STEPS because our decreasing heights from left to right resembled stairs (please refer to photo).if someone so much as mentioned the words 'camera' or 'picture', my mom would fly into action, shouting AGE ORDER! STAIR STEPS! AGE ORDER! i should mention that my mother had her sixth child at the ripe old age of 29. i'm 30 (with zero children), and finally able to understand that all of her nutty behavior was likely due to the fact that being a mother to six, especially at such a young age, will make you do crazy things.

with regard to the photo, i would like to point out that yours truly is second from the left. ever the fashionable one of the bunch, i am sporting blue socks (trendsetting), a beautiful necklace and pinch-rolled pants. you can tell from my stance that i've clearly been studying red carpet poses. due to the large number of mullets in this photo, i think it's safe to say we were between hairstyles.

friday's (romantic) blast from the past: top that.

in keeping with this quasi-romantic theme i've got going, i thought i'd share an oldie (but GOODIE) film clip. did i already mention how romantic it is? now, we all know that there are tons of fantastically terrible 80's movies out there, and this is no exception. to any young whipper-snappers that are taking an interest, the 80's were a different time, when the heartthrobs were just okay-looking, not the drop-dead gorgeous efron and lautner types that you've been spoiled with. so please join me in celebrating the 1989 masterpiece, Teen Witch. especially one scene in particular:

friday's blast from the past: little red, riding in the hood.

PREFACE FOR CONTEXT: my beautiful friend leah used to spend her days teaching middle school children. as one of the coolest people i know, it always fascinated me to hear about the interesting assignments she had for her kids, which almost always resulted in hilarity.

COMMENCE BLAST: 07.21.2005

Friends and Fellow Educators,

Right now one of my students is writing his parody of the classic children's tale, Little Red Riding Hood. And see there is this girl named Little Red. She drives a 64 Impala with 22s and spinners and a crunk system. Little Red is going to see her grandma (she calls her G-Ma) who just got out of jail. Sadly, G-Ma can’t stay away from the pipe. So G-Ma contacts her dealer as soon as she gets back to her crib. His name is Wolf. For reasons yet to be determined, Wolf pops a cap in G-Ma just as Little Red is pulling up. Fortunately The P.I.M.P. was hangin’ down on the corner and heard the gunshots. He told Little Red that he thought she might run into some trouble up in G-Ma’s place. So Little Red grabbed her .45 and found Wolf stuffing G-Ma in her closet. Little Red then blew Wolf away.

Isn’t that adorable?

I really like the feminist themes in this modern day approach to an old favorite. I think that this is certainly a commentary on how far women have come in this world. No longer is it a story about what happens when pretty little white girls talk to strangers, because in this post-modern era men need to be reminded that you don’t mess with a girl’s family or she’ll take you out.

friday's blast from the past: hoop (there it is).

since this is a very organized and strictly regulated blog, i would like to introduce a new feature article called FRIDAY'S BLAST FROM THE PAST. this article may or may not recur, and that recurrance may or may not happen on fridays, but i feel pretty confident that i will enjoy this feature a lot, so deal with it. after all, this blog is about me.

i recently got a new computer (thanks, sugar brad-dy) and went through a brief phase of organizing my e-self. i organized all my folders, deleted all the photos of jack-asses that i used to date (which took DAYS), and got all my emails forwarded to one account. the email thing was kind of like christmas and a crack pipe all rolled into one, because i got to enjoy re-reading all the hilarious emails from my friends. so, whenever i think of it, or when it's friday (and sometimes, both of those will occur simultaneously) i will be posting one of these knee-slappers. i'll even throw in a little

PREFACE FOR CONTEXT: i lived in chicago for awhile. it was a weird, freezing-ass time, and a lot of strange things happened to me. i won dance contests and experimented with different hair colors. this was from 2005-6 ish, so the email below, as with all BLASTS FROM THE PAST, is a little outdated. i realize aaron carter was just on dancing with the stars, but back then, he was just another teenage douchebag.

COMMENCE BLAST: 07.19.2005

as you all know, i am quite popular, and once again, this has led to an invitation to "hang" with "celebrities." this past weekend, my new australian friend, emily, invited me to go to a "celebrity" basketball game, more specifically, the 'N Sync-Knights vs. Daze Charity Basketball Fundraiser. before you ask, yes, our tickets were free, and no, we did not win them in a dance competition. the tickets were given to emily as a company "perk," but i should clarify that the words "celebrity" and "perk" were being thrown around loosely, as you'll see...

obviously, we had anticipated seeing the likes of justin timberlake, lance bass, jc chasez, joey fatone (the big one) and the other 'n sync-er (the coolio-hair one), but i was shocked to see that the rest of the "all-stars" were people such as taye diggs (famous for being shirtless), aaron carter (famous for being the only one in the fam without jail time), shannon elizabeth (famous for removing clothing and marrying ugly guy), the black guy from scrubs, the pregnant girl from the WB's seventh heaven, and a passel of no-name, presumably WB actors. and the boy host from ET was there, calling the game. the one thing we did not take into consideration was that since these were "perk" tickets, we had seats on the 3rd row, half-court line... right in the middle of about 10 million 13-year old screaming girls, all who apparently watch a lot of the WB and still have not heard about 'n sync's breakup. since we arrived for the fourth quarter, aka "joke and funny business time," we got to see antics such as: attempting and missing sweet half-court shots, breakdancing at center court, and doing the wave on the benches. i really had my heart set on seeing some serious basketball, so i was naturally disappointed, until they started throwing "prizes" into the stands: visors (orange), t-shirts (XL), mini-basketballs (good quality), etc.

the throwing of prizes brought on another "perk": 13-year old girls diving on top of one another to catch the various crap that was being thrown. to my dismay, i was accidentally looking at aaron carter at the same time he was throwing a t-shirt, and he threw it right to me. it would have hit me in the face if i didn't catch it... but the real highlight is that after i caught it, he gives me this dirty wink, with his mouth open, and possibly some lip-licking? does everyone agree that he might be 15? or definitely under 18? boy, did i feel old and violated. so anyway, that is what i did this weekend. there are many other cockamamie things that happened that day, but i'm trying to trim the fat a little here.

look for me in us weekly-

kristina


RESPONSE FROM AUDREY:

hmmm...i was really excited about letting everyone know that i saw dan from 'the real world miami' at the movies over the weekend - i'm pretty sure that although aaron carter is by no means an "a-lister" in hollywood, he still trumps a has-been reality star who will now finish out his life as a perpetual 'real world/road rules challenge-er'. also, i am almost embarrassed to say that i received no winks, free t-shirts, or lip licks from my celebrity encounter - i'm pretty sure taylor did, though.

i will admit that i had to do some serious self-talking to keep myself from rushing over to him and asking a thousand questions about his stint in reality television. also, taylor had to tell me twice that i had no reason to attain his autograph.

so, kristina, you may "hooping it up" with b-listers, but i'm going to movies with d-listers.

Dan:

From: Anytown, Nowhere
Sign: Cancer
Mood: Whatever
RESPONSE FROM MEREDITH:

What a perfect opportunity to tell of my encounters with fame. Although they weren't very recent, I still have not washed my hand that John Mayer touched. You may think that's gross, but that means you aren't a true fan, and in that case your body is probably not a wonderland either.

Jennifer and I met John Mayer in the Spring of 2002 outside the Austin City Music Hall. It was 3 a.m. and as we approached him he was making the rounds of kissing a bunch of what I have no doubt were 14 year olds. (I thought to myself, that makes me HOT!) So we approached him the same time as the girls left and a reporter walked up. The reporter asked John if he could ask him a question to which I replied, "That is a question." I knew his admiration for middle school girls so I had to throw that comment in there. The reporter then asked him how his "new" fame had changed his life and he replied, "well I dont cry myself to sleep at night." Jennifer then said "We don't either" and he then said "Well, let's just put it this way, I used to think I was good, now I know I am." Then I immediately blew smoke in his face. He looked at me with disgust but then proceeded to invite us on his bus to go to Dallas with him. We declined, I think we were still in awe from what a cool and honorable guy he seemed to be.

I have to throw in that this was the same weekend Jennifer pissed off Major Applewhite at the bar by talking crap about Texas Football and declaring her pride for Oklahoma.

I hate to brag, but Sinbad was also on my plane once and I am confident he was impressed with my drunk-ness and fake i.d.

So, there it is. My bouts with fame. I am still hoping to meet Sandra Bullock, and since I tell people she shops at my store, maybe she will actually pop in one day.

RESPONSE FROM CRISTI:

Okay, okay...I will share too. Jennifer and I ate lunch with PM Dawn when we were 15 in New York City. His hair was amazing. For those of you who were born after 1982, you may not know who he is...you are really missing out and should look him up. On that same trip we were in the same elevator with BB King who kindly offered us tickets to his show that night. However we politely declined because we had our own famous concert that night-- The Abilene High School Eagle choir was performing at the UN building. (As you can imagine BB was disappointed that his Reps scheduled a show on the same night as ours).

RESPONSE FROM SHAUNA:

Kip and I were oddly invited to the VIP area of the Candle Room in Dallas one night about 10-11 months ago and we ran into Owen Wilson. I was starstruck - although he is not very attractive - or funny in person - I was expecting him to entertain us all of course. Kip talked to him for a minute and I just stood in awe. We partied with him for the rest of the night.

But it is also important to add to the story that there is about a 95% chance that I conceived Macy that night...not with Owen.

RESPONSE NUMERO DOS FROM AUDREY:

okay, i've got more:

-ben stein in colorado at the biltmore (he was wearing a suit w/ airwalks)

-barbara walters in new york on new years (she was wearing her plastic face)

-eric estrada (the latino from 'chips') in branson, mo. (he was hosting a pretend 'wheel of fortune' and i was selected to be a contestant - unfortunately i did not win the set of kitchen knives, but i did get a kiss on the cheek.)

SO I'D LIKE TO KNOW, loyal blog readers (all three of you), of any encounters you've had with famous people. feel free to share. this is a safe place. a place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. think of this blog as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. we can say anything here.