Thursday, January 19, 2012

meat salad.

so i am on a diet. waaah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. it's a FIERCE diet, y'all, and this is day three of diet ferocity. i've never been a dieter and i've never really kept track of what i'm eating, so for me, this is considerable torture. diets (the kind where you have a set plan and you don't cheat) = FOOD JAIL. i love vegetables, but it is common knowledge that prior to shacking up with sugarbear, i consisted for years on a steady diet of bud light and twizzlers. brad's amazing chef skillz and the transition from BL's to wine, combined with the zero amount of restraint on my part has turned me into a soft-shelled mcfattie, and i need to make some lifestyle changes prior to our hawaii trip next month. also my office is down the street from a mcdonald's so i eat there like three times a week. okay four.

the first three days of food jail are kind of a complete kick in the pants. (this is probably a good time to tell you that part of this diet includes no alcohol). the first three days are also sort of a dressing down into what will become a healthy, well-rounded meal plan with plenty of vitamins and nutrients, but if you have been anywhere near me these three days, you know that i've renamed this phase MEAT SALAD. during this phase, you can have a ton of meat and you can have a ton of green veggies (uh, RAW. they have to be raw and they have to be green.), but after two or three meals of meat salad, plus no chocolate or jelly beans or cookies or WINE, you get a little weird and cranky. there are also these powder supplement things you put into your nine gallons of daily water drinking, and for the first few days i was not putting them in enough water. they are berry flavor and bright red, so i named those BLOOD DRINK, although they are much better and not thick like blood when you add them to the proper amount of water (2 gallons). turns out that they also come in lemon-lime (those are also called blood drink, for sake of continuity) and they are full of crack rock supplements that give you the energy to keep going as you rachet down your food intake.

i lost track of where i am going with this story (no crack rock blood drinks after 2pm or else), but i thought i'd give you all fair warning. steve and ginger have really started to look like turkey legs during the time we've spent together so i imagine you're next, if this cartoon is any indication.


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