in which i search for black shoes.

my seeester in law's wedding is coming up in september, so i've been on the hunt for some stunning black heels that will a) make me look amazing and b) not be too tall, since i rock a pretty freakish 5'-10" sans shoes to start and c) possibly be something i could wear again? but let's face it: i just need to look amazing in these pictures. as previously mentioned on this here blog, i am a ferocious zappos devotee when it comes to my kicks--after all, free overnight shipping? are you kidding me dot com, backslash your mom? you really can't beat that deal. plus they use a lot of cats on their site, which is always a home run, in my book. so here are the options i'm kicking around (pun fully intended) for weddin' shoes:

10: Cole Haan Mariela Air OT Pump 
these are a shoo-in (oh, i fucking WENT THERE) for being worn again. and i haz some C-Haan nike air pumps already, and they are bomb, especially for those mid-day jogs when i don't have time to employ the use of actual sneakers. not sure why these are at the bottom of the list... maybe due to the predictability that i will just buy these anyway?

9: Sam Edelman Pixie
these are extremely dangerous, and i do enjoy danger. they scream DON'T FUCK WITH ME, I'M THE MATRON OF HONOR, AND I HATE BEING CALLED MATRONLY. on the downside, i think it is in pretty poor taste to bleed all over the bride's white gown. which i have done before. and that is a great story.*

8: LOVE Moschino Somethingorother
these have gold hearts on them! and i am looking for shoes to wear at a wedding! i really can't get past how cute that heart is; someone please talk me out of these by telling me the brown sticker wrapper around the heel is for poor people or something.

7: Badgley Mischka Gylda
if i'd worn heels for my wedding, i would have worn the blue version of these. well, maybe. i mean, i did have a vocal performance of INXS at my wedding, so the reality is i'm way too hardcore for these shoes, but there is a sweet, virginal innocent, romantic little girl somewhere deeeeeeeeep inside me, and she likes these. she is totally not going to win this battle, but aren't these lovely, like violins playing on your feet?

6: MICHAEL Michael Kors Carina Sandal 
meeee-OW. black snake leather? bondage straps and buckles? now that's more like it. these are a little bit rock-n-roll, a little bit kdub. plus i love that adorable nugget michael kors.  

5: Ivanka Trump Bulbi
oh heeeeeey. ivanka makes shoes now, and like her, these seem pretty classy. i am definitely leaning toward things that are actually strapped to my foot, so they won't fall off. the aisle at this church is LONNNNG.

4: Naturalizer Baila
um, don't be hatin' on my very sensible old lady shoe selection here. these beyotches are straight up comfortable, and i know this, because my mom stole (aka permanently borrowed) my last pair of naturalizer pumps. plus these are called the baila, and i'm almost positive that means DANCING, which would be super since my SIL has hired our wedding dj, THE FLASHDANCE. plus doesn't that strappage make you think of saturday night fever? 

3: Rosegold Sabrina
i love rose gold! but wait, this is a shoe brand? has anyone heard of these? these are pretty fly, and i love that they worked in two different black materials. plus, thumbs up for what's been done with the heel here. that thing is SOLID, amiright? wait, is that a bow on the toes? also are these nine inches tall? SLANT FACE.

2: Calvin Klein Symone
hot. solid. strappy. strap on. buckles. two materials. just worried that i'll be... eight feet tall in these? b-rad: you could really help out by wearing some of those tom cruise dress shoes with lifts in them. i'm sure zappos has some.

1: Via Spiga Paula
i mean, these are really my first choice. full disclosure: i am under the spell of the orange interior. but look how ferocious that shape is? they really have a lot of the hallmarks i look for in footwear, meaning they're not too tall, and they have a mary jane strap, and they have a peep toe. plus hi, sturdy heel that isn't clunky. get on my feet already. 

*it was my sister brandie's wedding. she was wearing one of those 2-piece dresses (skirt and top) and the zippers didn't line up. five seconds before we were supposed to walk down the aisle, SOMEONE (spoiler alert: not me) decided to give those two dress pieces a yank, and ended up breaking the zipper on the upper portion of the dress. you know, the part that covers the bride's boobs? yeah. that zipper just broke. as the resident crafter in the family, it was decided that i was to fix this dress, and people were offering me things like TAPE and STRINGS and the leftover straight pins from boutonneiers... to fix the dress. seriously, it was the worst line-up of zipper repair items i have ever seen, in my life. ultimately yes, i macgyver'ed that zipper closed, but in the process totally pricked my finger and bled all over her beautiful gown. they're still married and about to have bebe numero dos, so i say, someone else's blood on your gown = GOOD OMEN.